Thanks Cindi, I really appreciate y'all allowing me to jump into your group. I'll get something to you shortly. And consider all of this little stuff just to consider. Don't take it personally. ;) I think you need to restrict your time a bit. I feel like Dr. M might be picky about that. Isn't it suppose to be closer to 5 minutes? I can't remember... Ideas to limit time; -Trim a little off of the beginning & end or have someone hit record to stop & start it just as you start & stop speaking. -Limit your Barbie explanation. Stop at your mention of fun and leave it at that. -Limit your 2 Dad related artifacts to one. You could use your introduction to the letter about your dad starting to give you things & feeling his mortality but he hasn't opened up regarding war stories yet. -I love the part about your mom's family. -Include your daughter's name in your introduction of the toy. you don't actually say her name until quite a bit later. -End with daughter hiding in the stuffed animals and include the toy..."Hiding with her animals including this one..." so that you are stopping and starting the story with the mention of the toy.
Otherwise, awesome! those are really nit picky things. Overall I thought you did great! Mandy
Amy and I had a text conversation where she helped me discard story ideas that I couldn't fully flesh out and decide on the story I chose, "Briley, the disappearing daughter". Upon viewing my first attempts, she suggested ways to shorten the story as it was too long in the beginning and gave me tips about how to be sure I looked at the "audience" instead of looking down. She also helped me eliminate "filler words".
A.1.3 Partner: Amy Gibson and Mandy Gann Sheffield
http://amygibson2.wikispaces.com/
http://sheffieldstorytelling.wikispaces.com/Memory+Box
Link to Story Map:
http://popplet.com/app/#/1573106
Feedback from Partner and Other Audiences:
Thanks Cindi,
I really appreciate y'all allowing me to jump into your group. I'll get something to you shortly.
And consider all of this little stuff just to consider. Don't take it personally. ;)
I think you need to restrict your time a bit. I feel like Dr. M might be picky about that. Isn't it suppose to be closer to 5 minutes? I can't remember...
Ideas to limit time;
-Trim a little off of the beginning & end or have someone hit record to stop & start it just as you start & stop speaking.
-Limit your Barbie explanation. Stop at your mention of fun and leave it at that.
-Limit your 2 Dad related artifacts to one. You could use your introduction to the letter about your dad starting to give you things & feeling his mortality but he hasn't opened up regarding war stories yet.
-I love the part about your mom's family.
-Include your daughter's name in your introduction of the toy. you don't actually say her name until quite a bit later.
-End with daughter hiding in the stuffed animals and include the toy..."Hiding with her animals including this one..." so that you are stopping and starting the story with the mention of the toy.
Otherwise, awesome! those are really nit picky things. Overall I thought you did great!
Mandy
Amy and I had a text conversation where she helped me discard story ideas that I couldn't fully flesh out and decide on the story I chose, "Briley, the disappearing daughter". Upon viewing my first attempts, she suggested ways to shorten the story as it was too long in the beginning and gave me tips about how to be sure I looked at the "audience" instead of looking down. She also helped me eliminate "filler words".
Link to Final Story: